We often talk about children who bully one another and the terrible implication it has on those being bullied, but we don’t tend to talk as much about adults who bully one another. To be sure, it takes place in all sorts of settings, but it’s time to talk about bullying in the church. Folks, it’s real and way too common.
Somehow people seem to justify their behavior as it is often masked to maintain tradition, or because they believe they are defending something they believe to be “right”. The reality is that there is likely some type of fear behind it such as losing control, or resistance to any change whatsoever or they want to ensure that their personal preferences are met. The ways that bullying behavior is expressed is completely unacceptable. We put up with stuff in the church that would never be allowed in any other setting. And we need to realize that the unacceptable behavior affects a lot more people than we might realize. We have enough toxic environments in our society and if the church becomes a toxic environment, regardless of what the issues are that have us in disagreement, it will drive people away from our churches. People want to be a part of a church where there is a focus on mission and meaningful ministry, they do not want to be around people jockeying for power and control.
Often the pastor and/or staff are the ones targeted by bullies but lay church leaders may also be the victims. Sometimes bullies show up in Bible study classes or other small groups and challenge anyone who introduces a Biblical interpretation that differs from their own. Or if they are involved in the finances of the church, they may bully by controlling how church money is spent based on what they think is best rather than the mission and vision of the church.
Bullies try to ignore the polity of the church and work around church administrative boards and committees. Some bullies threaten to withhold (or actually do) their financial giving if things are not going the way that they want. Some of these folks enjoy the attention that comes to them, positive or negative, because they feel like their noisiness is working when they gain the attention of others that will ultimately help them to get their way.
Friends, this is NOT the way we are called to do things in the church. These issues must be addressed. How we address this is incredibly important. It is important for us to approach bullies with grace and love. We need to create space for these folks to feel “heard”, and we need to listen to them with a heart of compassion. Perhaps there is something that is important to hear from them, a kernel of truth we may need to acknowledge. We also need to help them consider that there are other, better ways to communicate. Sometimes people need to be lovingly reminded that their voice and influence can be used for good or for ill and that for the health of the church, we are inviting them to use their voice for the building up of the church.
Sometimes a loving and gentle conversation can make all the difference in the world. We should always use the Matthew 18:15-17 approach. And if all else fails, some folks need to be reminded that if they are all that unhappy with the direction that the church is taking, then perhaps there is another church that may be a better fit for them.
We are called to be people of peace. We are also called to hold one another accountable. Let us do so with as much grace as we can possibly muster.
Namaste y’all,
To print or share this message, you are encouraged to use this pdf:
Claire – Church Bullies
To read past editions – you are encouraged to follow this link:
https://capitaldistrictnc.org/claire-ificaton/
